Some Reflections

I have learned in my lifetime that every time bad shit happened to me I grew from it, so I figured out that God allowed these things to happen so I could learn how to deal with them. As I learned I grew in spirit and closer to Him cuz I'm gonna tell you that I have been thru some really bad stuff and didn't have a friend in the world to help me thru any of it and all I could do was pray and lean on God.

When you get so low that it's all you have that's what you do. And you keep going because God doesn't make junk and He put you here for a reason and it isn't up to you to decide when it's time to leave this world. Only God decides when He's ready for you to go home to Him. Until then you gotta keep growing into the person He is trying to help you to be.  

I admit that there were times when I felt like doing myself in but then I reminded myself that there would be no one to take care of my kids. I sure didn't want my own mother to do it! She couldn't even come out of her little make believe world long enough to stop my kids from getting molested or keep me from running the streets when I was 13 yrs old, or keep me out of jail, or encourage me to grow and show me how. NO....I had to take care of things for her as far back as I can remember because she would close out the world and ignore it. I had way too much put on me as a child that I felt like I wasn't allowed to be a child. I remember how childish I thought she was. Especially when she tried to kill herself. No way did I want her taking away their childhoods like she did mine.

Ah well, she's gone now. And I did love her as much as I resented her. I learned why she was the way that she was through our family therapy when she finally opened up and talked about her childhood a little. I told her I understood and I really did. I understood that she was troubled and need help. I understood that this was why she acted the way that she did. She could not make decisions, when it came time to do that she would retreat in her little turtle shell of a world and block out the everything. I know that she loved me and all of my brothers and sisters but she didn't know how to love herself. She didn't know how to protect us or herself. All she knew how to do was play baby dolls with the newest baby born into the family or sit at the kitchen table and dive into her word search puzzles and ignore the rest of the world not hearing or seeing anything going on around her. So she taught me that I had to do for myself and I could not depend on anyone except myself. She, also, taught me that I should pay ATTENTION!!!! and omg....I didn't.