Ok, I think I've calmed myself down enough to write a bit more in my blog. I don't like leaving a story hanging. I mean, I'm doing this not only for myself, but for my family and friends as well as anyone else that may find themselves in the same situation as I did so that they know that they aren't alone and there is light and life at the end of that long dark tunnel you're traveling through.

After Ex#2 went to jail I think I had a breakdown. I probably should have been hospitalized but 2 of my sisters took turns coming to take care of me while I just sat around and cried and wondered what I was going to do. I worried about our future, mine and my girls, how was I going to handle all of this? Oh my God! Oh my God! That's all I could think. I didn't make alot of money. I knew I couldn't make the house payment and pay the bills and buy food. My car was a piece of junk but now, at least, I had his truck to use. We lived out in the country in a small community of houses close to each other. I was friendly with only a few of my neighbors, but, this wasn't a good place for me to be with the kids alone. I knew I would have to sell the house eventually. There was no public transportation available if I needed it and we were a long way from any family.

I remember being on the phone with Grace House for a long long time hearing the lady at the other end telling me that this was not the end of the world it was the beginning of a new life for me and my kids. She wanted me to come in to see her the next day. I didn't believe a word she said and argued with her. I couldn't see how I could raise my kids if I couldn't protect them. But I finally agreed to go see her. Well I went the next day and was there a long time talking. I couldn't help but feel guilty. The therapist kept telling me I have nothing to feel guilty about because I didn't do anything. I looked her dead in the eye and said "that's right and I should have." She asked, " how could you do anything if you didn't know what was going on?" I answered, " I don't know but I should have seen or known or felt that something wasn't right. I'm their mother!" To me a mother is suppose to be all knowing and all seeing even though my own wasn't. I think I tried to be what my own mom wasn't and when I failed at that I broke.